i've been sorta outta commission.. u know, having plastic surgery on my nose.. and running around talking smack about the ghettobird. studying hurricanes and native americans, trying to unsuccessfully keep my cool about my financial situation, not wanting to get a job because more than anything i really don't like going outside for fear i might melt.

on september 11th i choked on my chicken and had to go to the hospital to have it pulled out of my throat. there's a picture on my myspace if you know me, but if you don't, im not going to tell you because you see that sort of thing is sort of private.. u know, choking your chicken isn't something.. err i mean, choking on your chicken isn't necessarily something you want to do outside because some people might be offended: namely: those who do not have chicken to eat.. like in somalia or whatever when all of their babies bellies swell up from malnutrition, or you get elephantitis of the nuts or whatever.

not that on september 11th anything important ever happened.

anyways, did u hear about hurricane ike?  yeah... hurricane ike. it goes round and round counterclockwise, so i'm thinking that time is actually moving backwards and we are all actually getting younger. except if you are on the southern hemisphere, because hurricanes travel clockwise there..

anyways, i am glad to have written a bit, but i think it's time for sleepy for me... i think i wiped my eye after touching something else... and we all know how that turns out.. or doesn't.. or does..

oh! and i've still been sleeping in my car, not like i have a choice really.. i don't like sleeping inside because i'm trying to adapt to nature, you know? and... like i don't like wearing a dress, ok??

but seriously, i HATE right handed people

back on the road again pretty soon. wahoo... hopefully it'll be on my motorcycle.

we will take away. fucked up the podxt live today.. tripped over the cord, now to turn it on i have to wrap the cord around it..

'you're gear is shit!!'

here lemme just reach into my pocket here... 2 knives, flashlight, keys.. no money. no wallet.

why do i break everything? and why do i have 2 knives in my pockets?? maybe i subconsciously hate the podxt live. the gear i don't like i unconsciously break. i adjusted the truss rod on my bass.. so it's a little easier to play. seems durable enough..  ok so lets see..

i've broken one of my synths and my amp once but fixed them both, gone through a LOT of cables, busted my headphone jack on my mixer.. now i fucked up my podxt live. it's just... too much for me to worry about anymore. i broke the tiny switch on one of my guitars once.. managed to repair that.. but nearly broke it again. those tiny switches suck ass. broke my motorcycle, broke my free (dont ask) car..  but at least it gives me a private place to sleep.

broke my leg.. broke my jaw.. broken plenty of peoples faces. why do i always break shit? how does that happen?? the plur just won't stop!! broke my ibook... fixed it... broke it again, then lost patience with it and gave it away.. same with my ipod. now i know some people like fragile stuff.. but that sorta pisses me off. funny that the podxt live is made out of steel and has a cord catch, but i still managed to break it.

so... fuck apple, fuck line 6, fuck behringer, fuck me, fuck you, fuck carvin(well some of carvin..)

and fuck this fuckin' headache. i quit smoking btw.. :-P

every day i think about how much sunshine pours into my life because of him. like a breath of fresh air, shawnavery widens my perspective of the universe to the point to where i no longer feel pain, nor suffering.

about those chilis... there were some under the counter that i mixed in with the tunafish, supposedly im supposed to be worried about salmonella!!! but they were CANNED chili's so i don't know if that makes much sense.

:-P utterly useless today, but tomorrow i will do more music. wanting to sell something, dunno what yet.

i obtained a package of cigarettes yesterday. i can already feel my health starting to deteriorate. that and the bugs feeding on my corpse as i sleep. they helped my appetite a little bit though. i had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich AND cereal today. they just had to name that rave WHITEOUT didn't they? assholes. and here i was.. thinking i would somehow live to be 40. oooooh yeeeeaaahh... mmmmm cigaaarrreeeetttteeesssss...ooooohhhhh yeaaaaahhh ciiiigaarrreeettttessss...

ok, what was i doing again? oh yeah.. trying to type something. we'll see how it goes. i'll tell you. i'll try to stay productive. hopefully this will be the only pack. cuz that shit.. you know? well that shit will get you every time. i have shitty lungs anyway. watch.. tomorrow i will go run laps.

... maybe i won't do that. but i was riding my bike twice a week. i already stink. i'm pretty sure i'm dying. :-P

but it's already the fifteenth, and i have been slacking. journal posts lie deleted, song ideas discarded, time wasted, and a morbid obsession with the idea of chomping face.

for failing to develop ideas that i have had in my head for alternative means of transportation. my economic outlook has been rather stagnant, and time has been passing very slowly for me.

i had a dream last night that i was with someone test driving a hybrid vehicle that was done in the classic 60's mustang style: or maybe it was running on vegetable oil..(bio-diesel?) regardless the cost of the vehicle was $39,900 dollars, too expensive for us both, even with both of our incomes combined. i got out of the car midway through the test-drive out of frustration and decided to walk. hybrid vehicles AND bio-diesel seem like a distant dream to me. apparently you can convert a mercedes to bio-diesel and there is even instructions online on how to do it. Biodiesel Benz, which makes it a not-so-distant dream.

i awoke today thinking about the flintstones, so i ran a search on bike-cars and found this website that actually has them for sale. QuadraCycle

the bicycles on the site are very overpriced to my eyes, but i am sure that the cost could be lowered if they were more 'mainstream' and less 'specialty.' i had envisioned a bike somewhat like the canopied version made with lightweight materials and powered by 2 riders so that fatigue would be lessened. perhaps if some of the same engineering expertise used to design conventional cars were applied to such machines then they could become viable economically. 3 thousand dollars is a bit overpriced, but they wouldn't be so bad if they were designed in such a way that people would not have to see you pedal. people get sweaty in their cars anyway :-P personally, i would be happy with a bicycle with a nice transmission.. i have always had trouble with the fragility of speed changing mechanisms on bicycles.. and chains tend to get noisy.

burning oil is a rather nasty habit, somewhat akin to smoking.. it's hard to believe that automobile use became so prevalent and that people have become so attached to their cars..

"Biodiesel - Biodiesel comes from renewable plant sources, such as oils from vegetables, peanuts, soy beans, canola/rape seeds, hemp seeds and some grains which are domestically and abundantly available. More specifically though, biodiesel refers to plant-derived diesel that has been subjected to the process of transesterification, a chemical modification of ordinary vegetable oil which makes the fuel meet high industry standards (ASTM D6751) for usage in diesel engines [see notes below] and prevents it from solidifying at colder temperatures. Sometimes biodiesel is mixed with petroleum diesel in different proportions and still sold under the name "biodiesel," even though the biodiesel content may be as low as only 5%. Biodiesel and petroleum diesel mix extremely well and commercially available blends use the labelling B5, B20, B50 or B100, to reflect the percentage of biodiesel to regular diesel. Biodiesel in pure form produces significantly less emissions than petroleum diesel and zero sulfur emissions."

once again, hemp for victory

u are always wrong, and it's best not to ask any questions because i will say that i will help you but the time is never now, it is always later. you are not left, not right, wrong. always. and when you say things you better say them exactly how i say them or i will get angry and be REALLY loud and scary. even when i have money i lie and i say i don't have money because i am stingy and i don't like to share. u have to share but i never like things to be = and i do things in such a way that your feelings are hurt. feelings are more important than everything else.

plus i don't always think things through when i do them, i only do my 'job' even if my 'job' doesn't really need to be done so that if there is an argument i can say 'i AM THE MAN.' plus i get angry and jealous when you have friends because i don't, because i am too busy dominating territory.

the hardest part: my life went from something plausible: measurable, something definite. a real world with real rules, a definite start and finish. instead it is now shades and colors.. feelings and phantoms, now being forced to look through the spectrum to the other side.

and the worst part is.. that i know for a fact that shawn was different... shawn suffered from no euphoric delusions to change the world. shawn did not love everyone, or even half of everyone. they always want something universal, they want the illusion to be real so badly, they want the scene to be so complete that there can be no argument.

and believe me i understand that i am always contradicting myself, and i am starting to understand that i am not so unique as i thought i was, but i still feel so alone and somehow violated and cheated. maybe it is because i have ZERO income, and it's been that way for a while now..

and it's so hard to make decisions when i don't even know what the choices are. why do i have to be so retarded??



FUCKIN' DUMBASS



POMEFUCKINWHAT?



as;lkjfjlkjnbv;kiphde



RAPID IMPACT STIMULATOR BITCH!!! thats today!!! :-P

oh, this shit was fucked up. go drink a bottle of robitussin, wait till you feel like you are going to vomit, look at this picture,



and put on the cure's 'fascination street'.

i am now a professional beggar. technology takes it to a whole other level. seriously people. i would ebay something, but im too fucking stupid to fucking get to the post office or fucking u.p.s. to ship something out. broken car, broken motorcycle, broken mixer, sorta broken guitar, and i haven't had sushi in like a month.

including on my desktop. jellyfish jellyfish in my pants jellyfish jellyfish do a dance, jellyfish jellyfish i don't care jellyfish jellyfish in your hair. did you know that jellyfish are edible? i did not know that.

i've started mixing using hardware instead of software: it's a little bit different. i've been trying not to read into things too much, which i have been doing overmuch lately.. and i think i have needlessly complicated my own life and have grown kind of scattered in the goals i want to accomplish: i need to better learn how to focus on one thing at a time..